I made sort of a discovery about myself, which may or may not hold true to other peoples moods and motivations. However, I have discovered that I become a mix between restless and melancholy – driven to cause change in this world – when I am presented with something which I do not quite understand.
Although I may have mentioned this before, there are two things which confuse me in our current society, and especially within the college sphere. Dancing which is overt attempts at sexualized motions, and abusing drugs/alcohol to the point of entering an altered state of being. So basically, social life in college.
It’s not that I don’t understand how people dance, or the immediate reason: other people are doing it. I know some people ‘just love it,’ and others find it to be a good workout or sort of a turn on. But I really, honestly, don’t understand. People look at me and tell me to dance with them, or offer to show me how to dance. But I just…I can’t see how synchronous body movements in time to music, often imitating sexual movements, is considered self entertainment.
I know that I’m taking a lot of the ‘romance’ out of dancing by describing it in this manner, and maybe I am just a stick in the mud. I’m 19, I have a wonderfully curvy body, and I recognize that in all essences, I am expected to not only display my body in that fashion, but want to display my body in that fashion. It’s the desire that I get confused about. Why would I want others moving their bodies closer to mine in time to a piece of music? Why would I want guys touching me or being in close contact with me in such a public setting?
The drugs/alcohol thing is on my part, just my tendency towards responsibility and control of my own body. I don’t want to be under the influence of anything that takes away from me, control. As it is, I try to eliminate other controlling influences from my life – overpowering friends, negatively inclined conversations, bad habits…
I just guess that I’ve been so, so solid, in my state of existence for so long that I’m not really sure how to even begin to desire to lose that control I’ve established. I don’t understand how people gain the desire to use drugs/alcohol or dance as an escape from reality. I understand why they do it.
In other words, I understand the effect. I understand why they want to dance. Why they want to engage in self-depracating behaviors. They feel trapped within themselves. They want to be someone different.
But why do they feel that way?
Just a thought.