Well guys, I looked very hard through my archives at titles and what not, because I’ve forgotten most of the stuff that I’ve posted, but I think this is a new subject. Surprising, because I rant about this in real life quite a bit. I’m sure everyone has heard somewhere, “How can you love another if you don’t love yourself?” or something along those lines.
A significant portion of my friends have come to me at one time or another with one of two problems: they’re having a problem with their relationship, or they can’t find someone to have a relationship with. We’ll tackle “finding” a relationship first, and then we’ll take a look at holding onto a relationship.
The Single Person
If you’re not comfortable with you, how is anyone else going to be? Lack of self confidence is the first problem I see with people who can’t find relationships. They want to find someone to make out with, but they haven’t even taken the time to figure out what they like or don’t like for themselves, through fantasy, masturbation or other self pleasure techniques. The only sexual experiences that they’re building their longing for a relationship from are the drunken kisses before puking at college parties. They feel like they have to be worthy of someone’s attention, not like they’re the predator, and everyone else, the prey.
The next problem they have is location. They simply cannot understand that if they want to establish a meaningful, long term relationship with someone, chances are it is not going to happen at one of those college parties. Or a halloween party at a bar. Or any time that they’re intoxicated. Or in a position where they’re going to be, or their perspective partner is going to be, intoxicated.
The final problem they have is standards. They immediately assume that if that there is not instantaneous sexual attraction, the person is not worth pursuing. More often than not, it is the mind and the conversations that enable a relationship to last. That doesn’t mean prey on every nerdy, withdrawn computer geek. But it doesn’t mean to write them off, either.
And what about those friends who are always unsatisfied, or are running into blocks on the beautiful road of happiness? To these, I offer a few questions to reflect one:
Are you happy?
If you’re not happy in the relationship, then the answer is simple. Is it worth it to continue the relationship? No. If you’re consistently unhappy, whether it is unsatisfaction over you, your partner, the relationship, the circumstances – if the situation cannot or has not been easily amended, chances are its better to cut the lines and start new.
Can you imagine yourself without this person?
This is an important question, because it reminds you that there is life when you are single. If you cannot see you, as a happy individual outside of a relationship, you may not be ready to let go. We are often so used to the comforts of intimate companionship – be it cuddling on the couch, or cuddling on the couch naked – that we realize that the relationship is worth saving, because you can’t imagine your life without that intimate connection with your partner.
Can you imagine yourself with someone else?
This question, at least for me, is the most significant, because it actually arouses feelings of disgust instead of just indifference. If you can’t imagine yourself kissing someone else, looking into their eyes and telling them your secrets, chances are that you should hang with the person you’re with now.
When someone is reminded of what they have – either as being happy, overall, as being a person in a relationship, or as being a person in a relationship with a specific other person – it tends to put things in perspective. And suddenly, the bump in the road – the missed phone call for the fifth time in three days, or the lack of flowers on your birthday – either disappears, or becomes very, very large. My questions aim to help make a decision instead of fueling the fires of discontent and indecision.