Reaching Out, Falling Out

Do you ever have that feeling where you can’t seem to stop reaching outside of yourself?  It feels like you’re on the way to a nervous breakdown.  Productivity tanks.

That’s the way I’m feeling.  And usually, I channel this… awkward, compelling energy into something semi-productive.  I pursue half-cocked ideas until I get tired and/or sick of them.  At home, this often translates to cooking.  Its safe, its delicious, and its cheaper than a lot of other dangerous “reaching out” hobbies, like shopping.

Unfortunately, I’ve got something for work due on the 31st that should’ve been done days ago.  Yet here I am, struggling with motivation.  I wonder, in these “Searching” moments that I have, if I even *want* to be where I am.  I wonder if the things I do make an impact.  I wonder if I’m wasting my life away.

And I know these thoughts are just… side effects of the mood.  And the mood is probably a side effect of existing in a world where I don’t belong: my parents’ house, for the holidays.  I’ve heard it said several times: Two days in your parent(s)’ house sends you straight back to being 13.  Not having my S.O. with me; having my ex texting me random shit at 10pm on Xmas Eve… yeah, that doesn’t help, either.  Cigarette smoke and caffeine, candy and bad T.V., they all put me in this mood.

It sends me into a desperate swirl of activity where I try to find meaning in my life beyond existing in my parents house.  It’s like my career just fades away.

Funny, right?

Writing through this one helps.  I realize that its silly.  I really do.  It probably won’t make my urges to create and explore and reach out and start new projects that never get finished go away… but, at least I know where its coming from.

Happy New Year, all!


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