As I promised that I would write more, I decided that I’m going to tell you about my day, and my dream. I think it’s something that is easier to communicate in writing; sharing it verbally with a friend this morning still didn’t help me shake it.
I took what I call a “super melatonin” last night – a dose of melatonin with l-theanine that knocks me the fuck out. I did that because I accidentally had a wonderful 2 hour nap yesterday and knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep without a bit of help.
Unfortunately for me, the super melatonin sometimes gives me weirdly intense dreams. Tonight was no exception.
I was sitting on the bed with my BF. We were getting ready for bed or something – I don’t know. Then all of a sudden, an arm reaches out grabs my arm and I look at the BF, but it’s not him.
I turn and it’s my ex, and he’s got me pinned down underneath him, threatening like, and my BF can’t do anything about it (gun, maybe? My brain didn’t think it was important WHY).
Any my ex says he’s there to take me back, and I try to wrench away from him, and tell him to go away, that I don’t want him anymore.
He doesn’t even seem that hurt. He just like… stares at me disbelievingly. Then gets up and is like, “Fine. I’ll leave.” And he walks out to the kitchen (apparently there was a back door there that he came through to get in) and he looks at me and there’s someone else in the backyard, and he offers to “take care of that problem” — meaning, of course, that person is an intruder. Because there are always intruders, known or not, in my dreams.
Dream ended right about then.
I just woke up feeling violated. Like, somehow, my ex had invaded my space and it was my fault. I haven’t been able to shake the rape-y feeling all day. I’ve been very… melancholy. Not sad, or even depressed… just, “blah.” Granted, that may be because the super-melatonin is wearing off. It tends to stick around a while.
I’ve been trying all day to figure out … something. As I typed out that sentence, I realized that I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Not today. I’ve tried writing songs. I went to work (as always, and I’ll be headed back soon enough). I’ve tried crocheting. I ate a bit. I just compiled a list of old/familiar songs to see if they can get me back into my comfort zone.
I’m teaching middle school students tomorrow, so that’ll be interesting. I think that I’ll be less stressed after tomorrow – tomorrow is just “fear of the unknown.” I’m half afraid that my “potty mouth” is going to slip out. Hopefully, it won’t. I have a bad habit of swearing.
Three weeks from now, I get to go camping. It’ll be a welcome vacation, even if I have to bring a bit of work with me.
Ah, well. Gloomy day, gloomy mind, eh?
I have this phrase that I’ve been using this year as my “mantra” of sorts. I don’t know if I’ve shared it with you, but I’d like to now.
When I am strong, I am strong.
When I am weak, I am weak.
It doesn’t sound very uplifting, but it actually means a lot to me. For someone who has a habit of stretching herself too thin, it reminds me to promote balance in myself. It reminds me that on days where I am weak… it’s okay. It’s okay if you need to rest a while, or have quiet time, or take the day for yourself. And when I am strong… I am strong. I can do anything.
Today is an odd mix of the two. I am strong physically — sore from yesterday’s workout, trying to incorporate some intermittent fasting into today, doing fine with hunger. The thought of going a day under 1000 calories isn’t really that daunting to me.
But mentally… I am quiet. My dreams are hanging heavy over me like the rain clouds that are blocking the sun. I’m not freaking out or anything. It’s just… uneasily quiet in my brain. I’m very basal today — in touch with my emotions rather than my higher thinking.
It’s not been a bad day, by any means. Just a quiet one.
I seem to be rambling, and I think I’ve given you all of the insight I have today. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day and week!