The Path of Healing

I left my last post here two months ago with a rather determined yet depressed note. I hate to leave my life in the hands of my readers in that state.  Its silly.  I’m not a depressed person, nor am I always sad or cynical or even methodical.

I’ve had two questions being posed to me lately.  The first is the one I mentioned in the previous post.  The simple task of, “When you climb a rope, what do you find?”  I did manage to climb the rope.  Well, I kept climbing and climbing and I’d get to the top and there would be a ceiling or another corridor or anything but “something.”  But eventually, I found a dream where I had a rope.  Vine, actually.  So I asked the vine that was on the…banyon esque… tree to toss me up to the top, which it did.  There was a moment of blackness as I fought to keep my lucidity, and I landed in my backyard.  There, in my own backyard, I saw a friend who I had been ignoring as of late, and I apologized to him and the dream faded out into a mess of normal stuff.

Spoke to my high priest, and now I have the next part of the task: get back up there, and find a fruit.  Observe the fruit.  So that’s where I’m stuc now.

Second task?  Find a direction!  Find a calling!  Tell me what you want to do with your life!  You can’t just arbitrarily choose – you have to know!

Those are the things he said, and those pissed me off too!  But in any case, I devoted some time and meditation to it – if only out of respect for him – and while I was also searching for graduate school ideas, I came upon the realization that I am, by trade, a healer and a finder.  It’s not a specific thing…like Tarot or a funky thing with knowing what dogs are saying, but its something.

So that’s where I am.  Discovering more about my path, and trying to find that damn fruit.

Anyway, I wanted to write a bit because I made a realization a bit earlier today.  My boyfriend hadn’t spoken to me since Friday.  I was annoyed, upset, frustrated, worried, pissy, etc – he’s a police officer, so not talking to me could mean he’s hurt or just dumb.

I got back here from home (I’m back to college now) and I was still annoyed and stressing and I decided to meditate / sleep.  And for three hours, I dreamed intensely about my boyfriend.  The dreams didn’t make any sort of sense, but they all had a theme:  him.  I was focusing my entire being, so to speak, on getting him to notice me, pay attention, and come back to me.  Because I don’t like it when he leaves.

I woke up three hours later and called him four times.  On the fourth try, I woke him up.

I didn’t realize that my stress dreams were really magic…but it’s what I inherently do when I need him or miss him.  And for the most part, it works.

New kinda magic!  Dream magic

 

Asleep and Awake

Hey guys -

As always, it’s difficult for me to keep a steady schedule.  I tend to fill my life with so much shit that I find myself going from 7am to 10pm, waking up, and doing it all over again.  I go into survival mode, seeking out mindless games and naps wherever I can to ease my stress.  I will endeavor very hard to not make this mistake in my upcoming semester.  I will be focusing on my writing somewhat, to make some pocket change(not here, but elsewhere) – and as a result, I should be able to get a few posts out here and there.

In any case, what I wanted to write about today was a personal shortcoming of mine.  My high priest and I were discussing something the other day.  Well, we were arguing.  I can’t even remember what about.  But it seemed like every five seconds for the span of three weeks, I was angry at him for something else.  As you may well know, my high priest also serves as my boyfriend.  So our personal lives intermingle with the teacher-student relationship, and the fight may have started out about the relationship, but it ended up in the spiritual realm.

In any case, he paused, and determined that part of me had “fallen asleep” in the last few years, and it had gone completely unnoticed by both of us.  I did not believe him.  That night, I took it upon myself to review journal entries from eight years ago until about three years ago, when I kept a relatively consistent journal.  He was right.  At some point, probably the point where I determined that I “lost my innocence,” I changed.  I went from worrying about the meanings of my dreams to worrying about getting enough sleep.  I went from worrying about what magical messages and creative depths could be found within my ritual and magical life to barely being awed at the beauty of the full moon.

I call this part of me the cynic.  You can see it in my past entries, here, as well.  It’s a part of me that’s been fighting for dominance for a long time.  I’ve always had this dual nature.  I’ve called it logic and emotion.  They’re very, very separate for me.  Left brain, right brain.  At some point, my creativity disappeared.

I think I have an idea of when that may have been.  My freshman year of college, the first weekend away from home.  I’m not sure if I ever spoke of the experience on this blog, but I’ll briefly summarize it here.  My roommates went to party, and I went to bed.  When they came home, they brought two young men with them.  I was on the bottom of a bunk bed, in a triple room.  The other bed was next to ours.  These two girls, they spoke about how what if I woke up, decided that they didn’t care, and proceeded to have sex above and next to me for about two hours.

I was so naieve.  I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t move.  I was angry, then scared, then vengeful.  I spent half that time, even the rest of the night, begging in my head, pleading for someone to call me and stop this madness.  No one did.  When sunrise came, I packed up and went home for the remainder of the weekend.  I felt mind-raped.  The next year was spent in a passive-aggressive battle with these two girls for my rights to the room.  It ended when I threatened to sue them with copyright infringement, libel and religious discrimination, for photocopying a piece of my book of shadows and sharing it with their sorority.

It doesn’t matter.  I’ve never been one to delve into my past and give myself a hug.  It happened.  Moaning about it won’t change anything.  But that’s the moment, if there ever was one, where part of me shut down.  The moment when I stopped being able to write as well.  Sing new songs.

Add the trauma of such a dramatic lifestyle change(home–>college) to a science major courseload, and logic reigned supreme.  I can’t even successfully visualize things right now.

Anyway, that’s the other part.  The task I’ve been gifted with.  I am to visualize myself climbing up a rope.  I have to keep climbing until I go somewhere.  That’s what pissed me off and made me search my journal entries and made me realize that indeed, part of me had gone silent somewhere along my path.

Are you asleep or awake?  It’s a choice we all make, at one point or another.  Sometimes it slips right by us.  So here I am, to grab anyone else who is listening and give them a shake, so they don’t have to go, “Oh, shit!” three years down the road.  Life is short.  Use your full capacity.

I shut down because I was hurting.  My boyfriend disappeared for weeks at a time.  His maximum was three months.  My home was a constant battlefield.  And at my home-home(not college), I was having to deal with needy pets and sick family members.  I gained weight.  I had a job with a 2 hour commute everyday.  There are so many reasons that part of me disappeared.  But it’s time to get it back, and I’m glad that someone clued me in.

I hope this day finds you well, and that you are aware, alive, and happy.

Blessed be!

Want to make 80K a year? Try casting a spell – Yahoo! News

LONDON (Reuters) – Fancy 80,000 dollars a year on a stress-free job with flexible working hours and no need to wear a suit?

Well, grab your black pointy hat, take out that rusty black hessian drape from the back of the wardrobe and refresh your memory on how to turn your grumpy neighbor into a mouse. Somerset tourist attraction Wookey Hole caves is advertising for a “witch” and has already received 100 applicants since the beginning of the week.

Legend has it that the caves, near Wells, were home to the Wookey Witch who was turned to stone by the medieval Abbott of Glastonbury to rid villagers of her curse.

The vacancy has arisen because the previous incumbent has retired.

The successful candidate, who will be living in a “spacious” cave, has to cackle, not be allergic to cats and will be asked to perform “a range of tasks” including magic at an open audition scheduled for July 28.

But the appointee need not be scary.

“We want a friendly witch with a devilish element,” said Gayle Pennington, marketing assistant at the caves said on Wednesday.

“We’re a family attractions place so we don’t want to frighten the children.”

In keeping with modern times, the role is open to men, women and trans-gender witches to comply with sexual discrimination laws.

(Reporting by Humeyra Pamuk, Editing by Steve Addison)

Wow.  If they were looking for someone to dress up as a Jew…people would be all over this shit.

London witches, rise up!  Protest!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090709/od_nm/us_wookey_witch_odd

Faith and Motivation

I belong to a website called SparkPeople. It’s this massive, online, free community of people trying to better their lives and reach weight or fitness goals.  A lot of the people on the website are devoted Christians, and use their faith to help motivate them to reach their goals.

As witches, we are often left by the wayside in terms of group support.  We’re loners.  We walk our own paths.  Now, there are some pagan support groups on that site, sure – but none are quite as…structured…as Christian ones.  We don’t really ask people to pray for us.

Over the next few weeks, both here and on SparkPeople, I’m going to try to put together sources of motivation from pagan and Wiccan texts.  Stuff that we can rely on to help change our lives.  And perhaps, design a faith-based strategy for pagans to reach their weight and fitness goals.

In other news, in terms of projects, I can direct you to a few places.  First of all, I’m starting, through the Order of the Gecko, something I’m calling, “The Buffalo Project.“  I’m also, of course, in Arizona working on a research project.  I’m currently creating Reiki classes through the Order of the Gecko.  I’m beginning to search for Graduate Schools.  I’m studying for the GRE.  I’m learning a new guitar song.

I’ll try to keep the posting consistent.  Promise!

Pagans, partygoers greet solstice at Stonehenge – Yahoo! News

STONEHENGE, England – Pagans and partygoers drummed, danced or gyrated in hula hoops to stay awake through the night, as more than 35,000 people greeted the summer solstice Sunday at the ancient stone circle of Stonehenge.

Despite fears of trouble because of the record-sized crowd, police said the annual party at the mysterious monument was mostly peaceful.

“It’s the most magical place on the planet,” said antique salesman Frank Somers, 43, dressed in the robes of his Druid faith.

“Inside when you touch the stones you feel a warmth like you’re touching a tree, not a stone. There’s a genuine love, you feel called to it,” he said.

The prehistoric monument in southern England is the site of an annual night-long party — or religious ceremony, depending on perspective — marking the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere.

Warm weather and the fact that this year’s solstice fell on a weekend helped draw a record crowd.

“There has been a great atmosphere and where else would you want to be on midsummer’s day?” said Peter Carson of English Heritage, the body in charge of Stonehenge.

Happy Solstice All!

The Importance of Thought In Conflict

So, I’m not a stranger to the social networking applications. For the most part, I use facebook, and the other day, I started a very long, semi-heated discussion with a conservative person from elementary school, about the United States and it’s new President. I wouldn’t have – I don’t like those arguments – but it really pisses me off when people make sweeping statements. “All pagans are crazies.” I don’t remember what his particular statement was, and I’m too lazy to look back, but it was something that irked me, and so I responded.

No, I don’t think our government’s intervention in GM is going to destroy us. What bugged me was that I knew he wasn’t seeing the simple idea of minimizing damage. He was standing on his high horse, and refusing to recognize the fact that what our federal government was trying to do was minimize damage.

The only reason the issue is close to me is because of what Kodak did to my city in the 1990s. Maybe early 2000s. Kodak, based in Rochester, NY, closed the majority of its factories, cutting tons of jobs, screwing people out of their retirements. Three close friends had fathers who lost jobs. None of them have really recovered. Hell, the city hasn’t recovered.

Imagine if GM went out? That’s not just one city. That’s…hundreds of cities in the United States. Full of skilled workers who are so specialized that they’re actually fucked if they try to find another job that pays as well.

And our conversation evolved from GM all the way to global warming, with routes through healthcare and education.

But the point is that both sides of the argument have the danger of falling into the Always-Never categories. And that sort of brash assumption is first of all, a weakness in your argument, and second, prevents open communication. If you’re going to sit there and tell me that we’re NEVER going to remove the domination of oil companies, so why bother trying – then what is the point of me continuing the discussion? You’ve made up your mind.

And when I call you out on it, I’m sure you feel embarrassed. For me, as a 21 year old (he’s the same age) – I find it ridiculous that he’s already lost the hope for change.

How can he look at me and say, “Things are never going to change?” What kind of generation is that?

And so, I request readers, please, be careful what you say. Don’t try to push your point so hard that you begin to look like a fool. Acknowledge your ignorance. Allow exceptions. The world is not black and white. It is this beautiful shade of gray.

The Give and Take of Mycorrhizae

This summer, I was lucky enough to get an internship that is National Science Foundation funded, to study plants in the desert environment. I’m living in Tucson, AZ for the summer, instead of New York. Last week, we decided that my project would be looking at the effects of mycorrhizal associated and levels of phosphorus on various aspects of plant growth. We will be measuring plant mass, root to shoot ratio, carbon to nitrogen ratio, and possibly the presence of heavy metals in leaf tissue.

Anyway, for those of you that don’t know what mycorrhizae are, since I’ll most likely be talking about them throughout the summer, I figured I’d give a brief background. Mycorrhizae are fungi which live in symbiotic relationships with roots. In exchange for providing plants with essential nutrients, fungi recieve carbohydrates and other byproducts of photosynthesis in order to survive. For the most part, mycorrhizal relationships are mutualisms – the relationship helps both parties.

The big problem for mycorrhizae though, is that the plants can kick them out if they’re not needed anymore. So nursery plants, for example, which caretakers are sure receive all of their nutrients, etc – never get the chance to make mycorrhizal connections, and they can suffer when they’re transplanted and suddenly on their own with no fungi to help them find nutrients where there are none.

So these fungi help plants to survive and grow. In the desert, there’s not really much known about how dependent plants are on ther mycorrhizal connections. The mycorrhizae are sort of hard to find, unless you go through a series of maneuvers that kind of draws them out. So we’re slowly figuring out which types of mycorrhizae can be found with desert plants, and now, I want to see how effective the relationship between the two is.

So that’s my experiment. Spiritually, I think that this experiment can reveal a lot of things. Mycorrhizae are obligate to their hosts – they can’t really survive without their hosts. And they can’t control the weather. So, in a way, the plants are sort of the deciders as to how far or how successful the relationship will be. If in making an analogy, we place plants::mycorrhizae as humans::magic, we can see a correlation in terms of magical success. If we need the magic to happen, and we give it our time and attention and energy(the plants’ photosynthetic byproducts) – we will grow faster, be more successful. If we have all the things that we need to do stuff on our own, the relationship won’t be as effective. Afterall, why give your time and energy to someone else when you can do it much easier yourself.

I think this concept of need is one that should be considered when working magic. The universe is a relatively good filter. If you’re praying to magically become thin, and praying, and praying, but you have opportunities for fitness or nutrition ALL the freaking time, chances are, it’s not going to work. At that point, the universe, your inner self, whatever – everyone knows that you can do it yourself.

Did you know that if mycorrhizae are attached and suddenly weather becomes good or nutrient levels grow, they almost become parasitic in nature? The mycorrhizae still want their energy – but they’re not really giving anything in return.

In the same light, by continually throwing your own energy at something you can do yourself…you’re allowing the magic to parasitize you, so to speak. You won’t have the energy to make the change yourself, because you keep throwing it away towards needless prayers.

Wow, that entire post was sort of depressing. Well, more like, it makes you want to smack yourself across the head if you’ve ever done anything like that. You know…”please help me get an A” instead of studying. “I need to do well on this presentation for work” without working on it at all…

Have a great day!

The Meaning of Bears

Bears are kinda cool, in my book.  They’re relatively inoffensive, as long as you don’t get between them and their cubs, or them and some really, really good food.  There are a variety of species, and they eat a variety of things.  They’re not always bloodthirsty and angry and roaring.  They’re playful and inquisitive and intelligent.

If a bear is your totem, it could represent a good balance in your life – the ability to be curious and figure problems out, but also the ability to live a balanced and healthy life through your diet.  In addition, some bears hibernate.  A bear coming into your life (hopefully not in the, “I’m going to kill you!” sort of way) could indicate that you are in hibernation, about to emerge.

Bears also care very deeply for their young.  We say that someone is a mother bear, or that mother bears are the most dangerous creatures in the world.  With a bear as your totem, you know – or will know – how to hold onto and defend what is yours.

Protector of the family, intelligent, adorable AND omnivorous, what’s not to love?

Thinking About Science and Magic

I’m going to attempt to make my return to this blog.  This year was hard on me, but as far as the rest of my life, keeping up should be relatively easy, except you know, grad school in a year.  Ah, well.

Okay, onto the topic of the day.  Something that I never pursued, but would like to, is relating our magic potential to the process of photosynthesis.  For all of you non sciency people, photosynthesis is when plants take water, carbon dioxide, and light, and create sugar(their food) and oxygen.

So magically, this could relate to our process of taking a situation and conforming it to our desires.  I wanted to get more into the technical processes and relate everything, because as we know, the world works in both macro and micro cosms. 

Anyway.  So let’s take a loot at this diagram.  ATP, or adenosinetriphosphate, as well as NADP/H are both energy sources for the plant.  NADPH is specific to plants, but ATP is universal.  NAD/H is the version of NAD that we use in our systems(without the phosphorous).

To recharge energy so we can use it, we need to split water with light.  There are two types of systems that do this.  The first.  photosystem II, gets an electron from breaking water.  It’s passed to photosystem I which uses the electron to produce ATP and NADPH.  Oxygen is also produced.

I’m *really* summarizing here.  This diagram doesn’t really get into the details.  Anyway, you can read through the diagram on your own.  I’m getting distracted.  Okay.   So let’s look at the macroscopic view.  You have to put in energy and molecules to get anything out of it.  In terms of magic, this could return to the sacrifice that is required for change to occur.

The sacrifice of water, and the use of light, allow previously uncharged molecules to become charged.  Your sacrifice creates a potential!

Now check out where the charged molecules go.  They require a starting material – CO2, but then we get to go through the calvin cycle, in which the CO2’s are converted into a few different formats before reaching a final format.  Notice that the final format can be any number of things – and as such, we should be ready to accept all possibilities of our actions.  Our energy will go to where it’s needed most.

If a plant needs an amino acid or some other compound, it will activate and create the enzymes necessary for producing that instead of just storing the object made as sucrose(food).

It’s looking at scientific models with magic and life in mind that really help me get a new perspective on life.  The last time I took a look at photosynthesis as a magical process, my conclusions were different than above.

The Things That Scare Me

Hey guys.  I know it’s been a while, but I’ve just been suffering some major blockage.  I think for about a year now, actually, but maybe longer.  It leaked into the Pages though, and into the rest of my life.

Do you know what its like, not to feel?  When suddenly, the breeze doesn’t feel that amazing anymore?

It frightens me.

I have always had the danger of falling a little too far into the logical, and its up gone and happened.

But no worries   I always come out!